Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Red Wine and Radiation: Finally We One Up The Beer Snobs

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The radiation hit us yesterday. The Oregon coast, the entire state, every Oregonian is experiencing the effects of nuclear mutation... nuclear exposure. Fortunately, my girlfriend and I are the last "normal" survivors, thanks to red wine. We drink red wine every day and it has protected us against the radiation. Thank god for all that resveratol, that stuff in wine that's awesome! It is like an invisible shield that goes all around us so that when we drink wine all of life's problems disappear, including radiation exposure. Originally, reading the BBC, I noted that red wine leads to immortality. Now I realize that it leads to perfection.


(Above photo is of my friend Sue, or it was before she drank that hefeweizen...)

When I say "normal" using quotes that's because normal has a new meaning in Portland, Oregon. It used to be normal to drink microbrews and hang out at dive bars. Now it's normal to drink red wine because all of those people are zombies. I'm afraid even the most fervent I.P.A. drinkers have succumbed to radiation. Us "normal" red wine drinkers are holing up in the Domaine Drouhin Winery in Dundee where we plan to indulge in the best vintages while wielding shotguns until help comes from Montalcino. If you are a red wine drinker and you have not turned into a zombie, you can try to reach our compound but we must warn you: We drink first, ask questions later.

PS> If you show up with sake you will not be allowed anywhere near us.

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